A number of women have attended our massage weekends or emailed us asking about low sex drive and lifestyle events. We have therefore posted this site. We have listed some suggestions we have seen helpful. We hope they will be helpful to you.
Here is an email question that is similar to questions we have received.
Q. Hello Paul & Emily, My husband and I have had an active and enjoyable sex life for 20 years. About two years ago I began to loose interest in sex. It is now at a point that I nearly have no sex drive and would just as well go without it. The major problem is my husband. I love him and want to make him happy. We have talked about swinging. Would attending the massage weekends help with my sex drive or could it be a healthy outlet for my husband?
A. Over the years we have met a number of couples that attended the massage weekends that have had similar questions. We would not recommend the weekends as a solution for low sex drive (or low libido). We definitely would not recommend the weekends or the lifestyle as a solution for meeting the sexual needs of only one partner. We have seen couples use the lifestyle in this way and it usually results in conflict with other couples. That being said, we have also seen couples that have followed some or all of our 5 recommendations plus other erotic activities and have found increased libido.
We are not licence or certified sex therapists. Our first recommendation is that you schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. We are health professionals that have talked with a number of couples about this problem. Here are 5 recommendations we have made to women challenged by low libido.
1. Our first set of recommendations regardless of the problem is to get good sleep, eat nutritious foods, get daily exercise, stop smoking, reduce alcohol and enroll in a stress reduction program such as yoga. If a person does these 6 things most sexual problems will solve themselves (apart from generally feeling better).
2. Viagra has been a revolutionary performance and libido pill for men. Increased confidence in performance leads to increase drive. There is now, no similar pill for women. Many drug companies are in fact, working on just such a female pill.
However, without the magic female pill there are many products that have “some” research showing increased libido with their use. One example is medications with small doses of testosterone (*). We would suggest you log on to web sites that monthly track this research. Consider taking a small dose of hormones and also consider taking a small dose of hormones that are applied in a lubricant to the labia. We suggest this because (1) there is evidence of a “placebo” effect even without great published research, (2) there is “some” research showing increased libido with testosterone and (3) it is very helpful to touch your clit (see below). Of course, before taking anything check with you health professional for side effects and counter-indications.
This is a good site for information on female sexual issues:
This is a discussion group about low sexual desire.
low sex drive discussion 1
low sex drive discussion 2
Be aware that testosterone cream or patch can only be obtained through prescription. These "over the counter" lubricants can be helpful, but they do not contain testosterone. Women On The Pill May Lose Sex Drive
A new study has indicated that women who use contraceptive pills may lose their sex drive up to a year after they stop taking it. Loss of libido, muted or nonexistent orgasms and painful intercourse have long been known as side effects of the pill. Previous research had suggested a woman's sex drive could return to normal within four weeks of discontinuation. But the seven years study by researchers led by Dr. Claudia Panzer, an Endocrinologist in Denver, Colorado shows that a chemical produced by the pill to stop ovulation continues to suppress testosterone levels - central to desire in men and women - for up to a year after women stop taking it.
Women on the pill had four times the level of Sex Hormone Binding Globulin (SHBG), which stops testosterone from circulating in the body, as those who had never taken the pill, it said. The research published this month in the Journal of Sexual Medicine was based on 124 pre-menopausal women attending a clinic for sexual dysfunctions. Half the women had used the pill, 39 had stopped using it and 23 had never taken it.
These are great sites for information
sex education links
3. If you have pain, you should treat the pain. If penetration or stimulation of you labia is painful, you should treat the pain. If stimulation of the labia causes loss of bladder control, this is the same as pain. This pain could be from one of many clinical conditions. You can (will) never be aroused and enjoy sex if it is painful. A key to sexual enjoyment is relaxation. The opposite of relaxation is pain or loss of bladder control. Find a good (very good) medical provider that can work with you. If your medical provider is not providing good solutions, you may want to consider getting another provider for this problem. There are solutions to many of these conditions. Remember, shop around until you find a health provider that knows the research.
4. Fill your thoughts with erotic images. Read erotic short stories. See erotic films. Look men in the eyes at lunch. Look at their butts. If you only think about your 401-k, that is probably what you will think about in bed. The most erotic organ is your brain. Here is a wonderful site with many erotic stories
5. Touch your clit frequently. Yes!!,(or better yet, have someone lick it, and lubricate it daily even if you do not anticipate having sex). Touching your clit will help blood to flow to your genitals. Increased blood flow will increase sensitivity. If you touch your clit you will think sexual thoughts. Many women are anxious that they feel little sexual pleasure with penetration. The fact is that the clit (the clitoris) is where most (80-95%) of women experience sexual pleasure. This is not to say that women do not enjoy penetration. Most (really) do. This pleasure is similar to men having their balls (testicles) held, kissed and having their nipples licked. However, for men the heights of sexual pleasure is their penis stroked. For women, their most desirable pleasure is touching and stroking their clit. Here is more information on this subject
These are 5 recommendations for women experiencing low sexual desire. We hope they were helpful. Please write us with your comments.
Paul & Emily
* (1) EBM Review- Cochrane Database of Systematic Review (meta-analysis)
Title: Testosterone for peri- and postmenopausal women (meta-analysis)
Author: Somboonporn, Davis & Bell
Source: Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews. 4,2005.
(2) EBM Reviews- Cochrane Central Registry of Controlled Trials
Title: Testosterone enhances estradiol’s effects on postmenopausal bone density and sexuality. Author: Davis, McCloud, Strauss, Burger
Source: Maturitas. 21(3):227-36, 1995, Apr.
The following is an excellent article from Lisa S. Lawless, Ph.D., C.E.O.
HolisticWisdom.com Founder www.holisticwisdom.com
The article is aimed at men but has great information about assistance with women experiencing Low Drive.
She Can't Orgasm,
Is It The Size Of His Penis?
It seems a large majority of men are concerned that their penis is inadequate in one way or another. Even though I have tried to reassure men through our site that most of their concerns are in vain, there is always the phone call or eMail to us about wanting to know more.
My heart goes out to you guys, we women struggle with our body image too, and I know just how confused, insecure and frustrated it can make us feel. One of the biggest concerns heterosexual men have, is that they are worried they are not bringing their female partner to orgasm and that it is the size of their penis that is the cause.
As many of you know, the male penis has a variety of shapes, lengths, angles, and sizes. Just like woman's vagina. The key to achieving orgasm for a woman during sex is based on a few things, so let's start there.
Women need to have psychological as well as physical triggers that will allow them to reach orgasm. If there are psychological blocks preventing orgasm, those should be explored further through communication and possibly therapy.
If there are physical obstacles, then looking at what to focus on when it comes to a woman's genitals is a good place to start-
The Importance Of The Clitoris
Often many people forget the obvious, which is that men and women all start out female in the womb. Thus, we actually have the same parts in different places. The clitoris develops into a penis, and the g-spot (Skenes Glands) turn into a prostate in a male. This means that men ignoring the importance of clitoral stimulation would be like a woman thinking that the key to making a man orgasm is through prostate stimulation. The head of the penis is key for male stimulation, just as the clitoris is key for a woman. Forget this and you will be ignoring the most sensitive part of a woman's sexuality.
The Angle Of The Gspot
First, I would like to point out that only 30% of women climax from g-spot orgasms alone. The main causes of this low percentage is that the g-spot is not as sensitive as a woman's clitoris and a male's penis and female's vagina may not match up at the right angle to have enough pressure applied to her g-spot.
One gentlemen asked me if it was because of penis size. My reply surprised him... no, it is most often the angle. Surprisingly, it is not as much about the width or length of a penis that makes for a great g-spot orgasm, it is how much pressure is placed on the g-spot. This can be affected by how her vagina fits to his penis (how she is shaped inside and how he is shaped/curved). It can also be affected though position and knowledge about stimulating the g-spot. So, the real issue is that her vagina angle and your penis angle may not be compatible
Why Do Some Women Like Penis & Toy Width?
Women often talk about wanting width because with a really wide penis or sex toy you are going to get more pressure on her g-spot. Women are not as focused on length because a longer penis or sex toy can easily hit the cervix, which can really hurt.
Perhaps not as obvious is the downside when looking at width. Many women dislike being stretched out to accommodate a wide penis as it can hurt by tearing the vaginal opening, especially for women who have not had children vaginally.
In these cases, couples are most often having to go back to the focus of angle. Regardless of whether a woman likes width, a man's penis is often able to provide adequate pressure against a woman's g-spot if the angle is right, so we return to the fact that size does not have to be the end all concern here.
Remember that most g-spot stimulators are the size of a finger or two and are highly effective. In fact, most women experience g-spot orgasms from finger and sex toy stimulation because the angle and pressure is easier to control!